MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (OCTOBER 23RD)

YOU'VE GOT RED ON YOU TAKES PART IN THE 31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN CHALLENGE; WATCHING ONE HORROR MOVIE A DAY THROUGHOUT OCTOBER. SOME OF THEM OLD, SOME OF THEM NEW, SOME OF THEM HAVE JUST BEEN ON OUR SHELVES FOR YEARS GATHERING DUST, STILL IN CELLOPHANE...

Sometimes you have to mix some junk food and trash in with the fine wines of horror. And here’s one of the junkiest and trashiest examples possible. “Mardi Gras Massacre” is a 1978 American horror film written and directed by Jack Weis, who was the notorious B-movie specialist behind “Quadroon” (1971, a “Mandingo” rip-off) and “Crypt of Dark Secrets” (1976, a Bayou Witch/Vietnam zombie grindhouse film). “Massacre” is probably his most widely distributed and notorious film … if you’re American that is. We Brits have never officially had it released in the country at all. It was immediately rushed onto the infamous “Video Nasty” banned movie list in the 1980’s when a release was attempted. It has never been re-submitted to the BBFC for a home-media release and rating since then. There’s a very good reason for this… but we’ll come to that later. In the meantime, I took the “31 Days” challenge as an excuse to wallow in plenty of 70’s unnecessariness in NOLA for a crappy reprint of this exploitation “classic”.

After title-card “credits”, we get an incredible sleazy opening that sets the quality level for the rest of the proceedings. An oily looking dude in an immaculate 3-piece suit wanders into a disreputable bar in New Orleans looking for a woman. Not just any kind of woman though; “Out of all the ladies in the bar, which one do you think is the most… *very long pause*… evil?” {NB: Please note that any quotes and inflections I use in this article are genuinely in the movie… and frequently hilarious!} The guy’s called “John” (played by William Metz) and is directed towards the unfortunate Shirley, where this conversation actually happens. John: “Good Evening. I understand that you are evil.” Shirley: “Listen, Honey. I could take the first prize in an evil contest”. Well, John wants $200 worth of evil, so they end up back at his apartment, which apparently has had a Peruvian torture dungeon installed at no extra cost. Shirley somewhat ill-advisedly doffs her clobber and ends up on his “bed”, which looks uncannily like a sacrificial altar. John then reappears wearing a rug around his shoulders and a cheap-looking mask. Pours on some oil, whips out a knife, stabby-stabby, heart offered to ancient Peruvian God… or something.

Meanwhile, we’re introduced to Sergeant Frank Hebert (Curt Dawson). He’s a cop’s cop and no mistake, and he’s got the moustache to prove it. Frank’s also not afraid to take dirty money and whisk away prostitutes for a fun evening of bottles of Blue Nun (google it if you didn’t live it) and staring at his bedroom ceiling. His latest squeeze is Sherry (Gwen Arment), a hooker who had a close run-in with John at the beginning of the film, but can’t remember what he looks like. The pair unexpectedly falls in love and has a romantic montage, ending with a fashion-catalogue pose in front of a paddle-steamer, whilst easy-listening music plays loudly. But John is still escorting hookers back to his unfeasibly large apartment and slicing out their hearts… although he also buys them a Chinese takeaway beforehand if they ask nicely. So Frank must get his moustache together and catch John before he targets Sherry and ruins Mardi Gras for everyone…

MGM is an unrelentingly awful piece of exploitation celluloid